Vincent Salmeri
Fulton, California

Hey Cal,
I’ve not written since I left the hole in Avenal.  So it was probably August 25 or 26 of last year.  A day or two before I was arrested this year, I found my journal.

I think if I kept writing I would have been better off. My longest time out I started out journaling.  So when I get out I’m going to have to start right away.

So far I’ve been down 94 days.  The first 50 were in Sonoma County jail.  What a joke that was…so here I am with just under eight weeks let.  I calculate I’ll be out around June 1^st, which means I’ll have my first summer since 2005.

I am starting to get burned out on reading.  I just finished the Diary of Anne Frank.  It arrived on April 20^th of all days.  To most people now a days, that is the unofficial pot smoking holiday.  But not being a pot smoker it’s not to me.  To me, because of my brief racist stage in high school, I remembered it as Hitler’s birthday.

There were parts in the Diary that were so sad to read.  She wrote about her dreams for when she got older, not knowing she would never make it there.  The parts that pissed me off were when she talked about Dussel, saying how he acted like he could do what he wanted, net even grateful that the Frank family took him in.

I’m about to start my 40^th book.  No wonder I’m getting burned out.  If they were all good, it would be different, but some are just mediocre.

Until I write again,
Vinnie


Hey Cal,
I finally got my visitor forms this morning.  I’ve been trying to get them for about three weeks.  With any luck I’ll get a visit before I leave.  If not, no big deal.

I heard somebody say we should of com off lock down by now but somebody downstairs got cited up at showers.  I don’t understand why we are effect when the main liners do something.

It’s not that I mind being on lock down, I just rather go out for food.  It kind of give me something to look forward to and a little bit of exercise.  That is probably the one thing I really do not like about doing time.  All my muscles get really lazy.

I just got up to make a comment to my neighbor.  And ended up talking to him for about an hour.  If not longer.  It started on being non-discriminating towards women and ended up on horoscopes, with college, hand cuffs, and the navy in the middle.

It was a pretty good little conversation for not really knowing the guy.  Anyways, I’m gonna pray, read, and sleep.

Until I write again,
Vinnie


                                                ***


Thomas Brennick
Tehachapi,California

6/21/09
Yes, I would change a lot of things that is simple to think. My theory on that though is this: In forder to have done things different I would have to know and more importantly FEEL what I feel now.

We all start to know better but we do not get to feel the pain. If I had known the hurt and loneliness I would feel at 45. It, of course, would have been a different story on my part.  But we don’t feel it till we feel it, you understand that I hope, dear reader?   So please try and temper any advice with the hurt that comes to those that shoes this life.

I was going to use these last couple of pages to slam the system.  But why?  To what end?  I am not innocent I did my crime knowing full well what could happen.  Then I come to prison and act all self righteous cause my food is cold. I was not even eating three meals a day on the street.

I am going to tell you right now how to beat the system and shut down prison.  Do not come back.  That is what every advocate should be advocating.  You want less money to go to prison, cut down on the very thing that is it.  Prisons need P-R-I-S-O-N-E-R-S to thrive.  Do not advocate to make prison better for me.  Advocate to make FREEDOM better for me.  Do not teach me how to sue the prison for lack of this or that.  Teach me how to get a job and keep it.  Teach me how to rely on myself and help on the streets.  That is how to beat the system!

I’ll get off the soap box.  I just had to express.  I get sick of hearing all these cats weeping about how much prison sucks and then getting out and coming right back.

Writing this diary/journal has been so much different that I thought it would be.  You know I have often wondered what it would be like.  Would it change my life within myself?  Would it be some great cleansing?  It was not either of those.  But it was a peace for me.  It brought back a lot of memories both good and bad.  It did teach me that I can sit down every day even when I do not feel like it and write.  Do me a favor dear reader.  Don’t tell the Anne Frank Center USA but I enjoyed this so much I am going to ask them if I can do another.  If I could spend the rest of my life writing I would. I have had people ask me how can.  I set in my cell 24-7 with no TV or radio.  And I tell them I don’t care.  Truth be told, if I had a TV I would not be doing this journal.  Fact.  I would not be reading as much as I do.  I would not be as self focused as I am.  I would love a typewriter.  Oh, man. And a stack of cartridges and a ream of paper and this cell would be more of a heaven.

Let me say to you, Ok you read all I have written so far and it might seem to you that I might not like who I am and that is not the case.  I love who I am I just hate how I am.  I like my mind.

6-21-09
I see things. I am not as smart as I could be or as dumb as I should be.  They say no man is an island and that is bullshit.  We are all islands unto ourselves.  What matters is what inhabits us.

You know after 9-11-01 everyone helped out.  It was amazing I  was and still am so proud of the good ol’ USA. It’s sad that it takes thinks like that to bring us together as a people, but it’s good to see it’s there.  I bring this up to say this: This country is like a big house and it must decide what kind of people it wants in its house.  The same as each independent households do.  Would you let a mad man or a thief loose in your house? Of course not.  So we have to make sure the people of our house are the best of the house.  I was thinking at the time.  Wow.  These people are truly care for and help each other and I can not be part of that great unity.  In fact, I am in prison for stealing what could just as easily been from one of the very same people that would be trying to dig me out of the rubble if need be.  I have longed to feel that kind of unity with anyone let alone a whole country! And this country never stops amazing me.  Can you believe it?  Did you honestly think you would live to see the day?  Did you think it would happen?  Did you have the audacity of hope to see an African man president of the United States of America? Outstanding way to go!  God Bless everyone that had anything to do with it!  In fact, it shows that anything can happen!

…in closing, I can only hope that Anne Frank found peace with in her soul before she died.  I think that’s all I can hope for as well.

                                         ***

9/23/09
David J. Lista
San Quentin Prison

April 7, 2009
… I am a man in blue.  I am a man with the blues.  I exist in blackness but live in the blues. I was not always blue or black, blues or blackness.  But here I am in blue therefore I am in darkness.  I yearn for the light.  I grope in the darkness stretching out to grasp a thin strand of brightness in the distance ahead.  I hope only to stretch myself to some how reach the light…some day soon bathe himself in light and celebrate the brightness of a new day shrouded in the brilliance of color…

April 9, 2009
How then, my muse, can I learn to like myself again, to be a friend to myself when I look in the mirror, when I can’t even support my family? When I have no more pride or sense of self-worth?  When pretty much all of my own friends and colleagues and just about everyone has abandoned me to my fate and turned their backs on me?  How can I be a friend to myself when I lie awake at nights seething with self-hatred and rancor and loathing?  When I can only swell on the guilt and shame which consumes me?  How can I like myself when, if not for Alex and Cadence and my sense of responsibility to them, I would have ended this life long ago and just quit, freeing the world from having to include me?  (Me? Someone who used to so much love and celebrate and cherish life?)  How can I be a friend to myself when I still think of wanting to end it all at times or of hurting myself, so filled am I with anger and self-hatred, fear and loathing and impotent rage?  Why?  How? I don’t know how to like and be a friend to myself anymore, Muse.  But I know that I have no choice…And that, I suppose, is a start…

April 24, 2009
As I wrote before, I was quite touched by and wanted to comment further on some of the insights and connections I made from reading Anne Frank’s Diary.  I’ve organized them somewhat thematically, and will record/include specific quotes and passages, followed by brief commentary and analysis of my own.  Today, I’ll start the first section, and we’ll see how it goes. Note: Citation format is as follows (date of entry, page#)

1. The need for solitude and personal space…while dealing with doubts, feeling misunderstood and the need for assertion for self/identity.

A)“All we can do is wait, as calmly as possible, for it to end.  Jews and Christians alike are waiting, the whole world is waiting, and many are waiting for death.” (1/13/43, 81)

A powerful, succinct quote, and one that certainly puts my “ordeal” in more perspective. Indeed, I too, am waiting and stressing but as they stay in prison: “Do your time, don’t let your time do you.” My anger and stress will not bring the end sooner; nor will it alleviate my tensions and fears.  I need to live each day one at a time—and surrender myself to the moment, take each day as it comes.

B) “Oh, it’s so hard, the eternal struggle between heart and mind.  There’s a time and place for both, but how can I be sure I’ve chosen the right time? (4/28/44, 277)

Wow! Extremely thought provoking and relevant  and profound.  Hard to imagine these are the thoughts of someone so young—at 15 years old!  But certainly true!

C) “Unless you’re a Nazi, you don’t know what is going to happen to you from one day to the next.” (5/25/44, 305)

This quote reveals both her fears and uncertainty about their perilous situation, but also the sheer …cruel insane manner in which the Nazis ruined and “played” with the lives of so many.  A deadly hateful and tragic “game!”  Though my situation differs dramatically, I can definitely relate to this—especially given the powerlessness I feel over what happens to me mere, as well as to the blind, unfeeling manner in which others (inmates, CO’s etc.) control my fate.  Powerlessness is a bitter painful pill to swallow!

D) I’m afraid that people who know me as I usually am will discover I have another side, a better and finer side.  I’m afraid they’ll mock me, think I’m ridiculous and sentimental and not take me seriously.  I’m used to it and can put up with it; the “deeper” Anne is too weak…” (8/1/44, 336)

This quote speaks to the “Good Anne-Bad Anne” identity crisis she reflects frequently upon—and is both typical of adolescence but also experienced by people of all ages.  I, too, worry about being misunderstood and judged for my crimes/actions and for being a parolee.  I worry tremendously about people not looking beyond the label to see the real me.

2. Time killers and dealing with boredom.

A)    “Let me tell you more about my ‘time killers.” This is what I call my courses, because all we ever do is try to make the days go by as quickly as possible so we’re that much closer to the end of our time here. (3/27/43, 93)

B)    “Ordinarily people don’t know how much books can mean to someone who’s cooped up.  Our only diversions are reading, studying and listening to the radio.” (7/11/43, 107)

Boy, can I relate to these sentiments!  When one is confined t such a limited space with the same people, having “diversions” is essential to make the time go more quickly and to prevent one from going absolutely friggin’ insane!  Especially here at San Quentin where we’re given absolutely no programming opportunities, library access and “diversions” except the ones we create for ourselves.  So I read, read, read in and write a lot…I’ve invented lots of “projects” and craft ideas I’ve worked on quite a few “political” or “legal” projects, for myself and others, like 602 appeals, articles, letters, and research.  Anything and everything I can think of to keep my sanity and try to keep my mind off the time and the myriad worries, fears and anxieties that fill my brain and stress me out.  Anything!

3. Truth.

A) “For my part, I will continue to remain silent and aloof, and I don’t intend to shrink from the truth, because the longer it’s postponed, the harder it will be for them to accept it when they do hear it! (4/2/43, 97)

Being fully open and honest with people is a very difficult thing to do.  I don’t mean honest as in “telling the truth,” but as in being true and “real” in your words, thoughts and feelings, as in “keeping it real” with them.  It demands a sense of strength, character, and sincerity that many people lack, and most in society seem to rely on the path of least resistance—phoniness and non-authenticity in their dealings with others. Similarly, being fully open and honest with oneself is also tremendously difficult, as I certainly can attest.  A painful yet ultimately liberating, healing process.

4. Tensions, anxieties, and fears (Terror!)

A)    “That’s why each and every day is filled with tension.  Expectation and hope generate tension, as does fear--…(5/2/43, 100)|

Another insightful observation that clearly demonstrates the maturity of Anne’s thinking.  And as I’ve certainly discussed in many of my journal entries, I, too, live life here on the razor’s edge of tension and fears, pulled, stretched, and twisted constantly between hope and hopelessness.

B)    “How much longer will this increasingly oppressive, unbearable weight press down on us?...What will we do if we’re ever…no, I mustn’t write that down.  But the question won’t let itself be pushed to the back of my mind today; on the contrary, all the fear I’ve ever felt is looming before me in all its horror…Let something happen soon, even an air raid.  Nothing can be more crushing that this anxiety. Let the end come, however cruel; at least then we’ll know whether we are to be the victors of the vanquished.” (5/26/44, 307-8)

This quote cuts right to the chase indeed and describes, quite vividly and poignantly, the terror of uncertainty and the unknown, as well as the willingness to acquiesce to fate and accept even death if it means closure and an end to the constant waiting, anxiety, tension and fear. As I’ve written in the previous entries, I live in prison underneath the shadow of constant fear, not just for my physical being, but for the future, my family, an d the unknown.  It chews you up, wears you out, and grinds you down. Waiting for the end, hoping to survive…not knowing what awaits you on the other side.

5. Heroes

A)    “Eighty per cent have decided to obey the dictates of their conscience, but the  penalty will be severe.” (5/2/43, 102)

The courage it takes to stand up for what you believe, for what you know is right, at risk of pain, death and loss of freedom, is something I admire more than just about anything else.  The selfless, courageous, unflinching efforts of so many throughout history are the models we must uphold as we live our lives, to motivate, inspire and share our own destinies, and to honor the sacrifices and risks they’ve taken on in the face of extreme danger and overwhelming odds and opposition.  Whether such stalwart figures as Rosa Parks, Nelson Mandela, Martian Luther King, Jr., Malcolm X, Cesar Chavez & Ghandi to name just a few, or lesser known, “ordinary” people who standup and resist hatred, violence, and oppression—who do quite extraordinary things—these are the true heroes and role models, not the sports figures, movie stars, and entertainers typically deified and put upon the pedestal by so many in our society ad culture!

B)    “That’s something we should never forget; while others display their heroism in battle or against the Germans, our helpers prove theirs every day by their good spirits and affection. (1/28/44, 179)

Here, Anne again acknowledges the heroic, brave efforts of those who helped them survive in the Annex day to day, keeping them both supplied and connected to the world, as well as helping to maintain their hope and spirits. These exemplify the heroes I alluded to above who, though just “regular Joe’s and Jane’s.” take enormous risks to bravely stand up for what they know is right and to help others.  And there were many of these heroes helping out to protect the Jews and others from the Nazis’ evil, nefarious, and deadly “plan.”  I just read in a newspaper a couple of days ago about Holocaust survivors who went to the site of a recent major earthquake in Italy to look for and succor earthquake victims and their families/descendants who had sheltered or assisted them in their flights from the Nazis in WWII.  Over 60 years have passed, but the memories of and gratitude for their sacrifices and risks are still fresh in the minds of the Holocaust survivors.  It brought tears to my eyes!

6. Hope: one of the most inspiring aspects of Anne’s diary is the thread of hope, faith, and the promise of the future that forms a consistent, nearly unbroken thread throughout her text (with minor lapses, of course).  Even facing dearth and torturous unknon of the Nazi camps, her hopeful spirit was nearly indomitable, unflagging.  As a man in my situation, who finds himself constantly pulled and stretched thin between hope and despair, calm and anxiety, peace and fear/terror, I find this both amazing and completely inspiring!  It also creates the overwhelming tension for the reader in the last section fo the diary (especially), since we are aware in advance of the tragic, unfortunate ending.  None the less, her words continue to inspire hope and faith.

A)    “It’s true: as the reports from outside grow worse and worse, the radio, with its wondrous voice, helps us not to lose heart and to keep telling ourselves, “Cheer up, keep your spirits high, things are bound to get better!”(6/15/43, 105)

We don’t have radios here, unfortunately, and the new that “grows worse” is, of course, news of the economy and the various wars ongoing, but I’m able to maintain my tenuous hold on hope by looking at pictures of my daughter/family, writing (including this journal!) , my daily meditations, and reading (a lot).  Even in the darkness, hope remains!

B)    “I can’t do that—on the contrary, I have to hold my head up high and put a gold face on things, but the thoughts keep coming anyway.  Not just once, but over and over.” (12/24/43, 154)

Even with the constant bombardment of stress and bad news, giving up hope is NOT an option—for Anne or myself.

C)    “…why I have to laugh at the humorous side of the most dangerous moments…I’m blessed with many things: happiness, a cheerful disposition…I feel the day of liberation drawing near, I feel the beauty of nature and the goodness of the people around me…with all this, why should I despair” (5/3/44, 282)

I agree with her on all these points, thought I definitely struggle and have difficultly “feeling” nature and “the goodness” of those around me!

D)    “Will this year, 1944, bring us victory? We don’t know yet.  But where there’s hope, there’s life. It fills us with fresh courage and makes us strong again.  We’ll need to be brave to endure the many fears and hardships and suffering yet to come.  It’s now a matter of remaining calm and steadfast, of gritting our teeth and keeping a stiff upper lip! …can cry out in agony, but we don’t yet have that right” (6/6/44, 312)

This quote is from D-day, which is both extraordinary in the scope of the hope it conveys and painfully tragic knowing the fate to befall the Annex family mere moments before Allied liberation…almost…the ALMOST made it!  I too, can understand (and try to empathize with) these feelings.  Without my hope and faith, there is only darkness. And I don’t have the luxury to give into darkness.  My daughter Cadence and fiancé Alex deserve more than that.  Hell, even I deserve better than that.  There is no giving in.

7. Anne’s voice and writing style: This doesn’t connect with a theme fro the diary, but I felt a few comments about some of her style which stood out or were of interest to me.  I really enjoyed the vivid figurative language she often used, her ability to include humor (despite fears, anxiety, and an overwhelming sense of dread), her ability to use both the 1^st and 3^rd person in her narrative (writing often of Anne—as if she could step outside of and observe herself), and as I’ve said before, the depth of maturity, insight, and perspective she brings to her writing.  A key feature of this is her adept ability to utilize the diary as a “friend” and a powerful tool for personal growth, self-reflection, questioning and a coping mechanism to deal with both internal and external turmoil.  Some particularly good examples of this include:

A)    “Ordinary people…would think I’m a little nuts with all my self-pity.  But that’s just it. I pour my heart out to you, and the rest of the time I’m as impudent, cheerful and self-confident as possible to avoid questions and keep from getting on my own nerves.” (3/12/44, 215)

B)    “…why I have to laugh at the humorous side of the most dangerous moments… I’m young and have many hidden qualities…” (5/3/44, 282)

C)    “Wishes, thoughts accusations, and reproaches are whirling around in my head.  I’m not really as conceited as many people think; I know my various faults and shortcomings better than anyone else, but there’s one difference: I also know that I want to change, will change and already have changed greatly!” (6/13/44, 316)

Now, Muse, have you or anyone EVER met a 15 year old with that degree of self-awareness and ability to both recognize and admit such personal shortcomings?  I thought so!

8. Dreams and plans for the Future (when she gets out):

Unfortunately, Anne’s dreams and potential were never realized and her life was cut tragically short.  Yet, here, she teaches of the vital role in dreams in helping us to stay focused, strong and making it through.  For me, I’ve already ruined my dreams and thrown away my potential in allowing my drug abuse to take over my life, impair my judgment, and cloud my awareness of right and wrong—thus throwing away a career I loved and had worked long and hard for.  As for my plans for the future when I get out?  Besides spending all my time with family and staying sober, I hope only to find a way to pick up the pieces of my broken life and shattered drams, hoping to find my way back, once again, to respectability and self respect.  Hoping only for another chance!

A)    “…let me tell you, just for fun, what we each want to do first when we’re able to go outside again…Most of all I long to have a home of our own, to be able to move around freely and have someone help me with my homework again, at last,  In other words, to go back to school!” (7/23/43)

Ironic, isn’t it?  What 14 year old longs to go back to school?

B)    “When I write I can shake off all my cares.  My sorrow disappears, my spirits are revived!  But, and that’s a big questions, will I ever be able to write something great, will I ever become a journalist or a writer?  I hope so, Oh, I hope so very much because writing allows me to record everything, all my thoughts, ideas, and fantasies…so onward and upward, with renewed spirits.  It’ll all work out, because I’m determined to write!” (4/5/44, 251)

Another prophetic and ultimately, tragic quote considering the talent lost and the great writer Anne was and would certainly have become.  As proven by her diary—known world-wide as the greatest “record” of a Holocaust victim’s account and quite likely one of the greatest diaries ever published.

C)    “But now, now that I’ve been spared, my first wish after the war is to become Dutch citizen. I love the Dutch, I love this country. I love the language, and I want to work here. And if I have to write to the Queen herself, I won’t give up until I’ve reached my goal!” (4/14/43, 263)

D)    “And now something else.  You’ve known for a long time that my greatest wish is to be a journalist, and later on, a famous writer.  We’ll have to wait and see if these grand illusions (or delusions!) will ever come true, but up to now I’ve had no lack fo tropics.  In any case, after the war I’d like to publish a book called The Secret Annex. It remains to be seen whether I’ll succeed, but my diary can serve as the basis.” (5/11/44, 295-6)

I hope in heaven that Anne knows for certain that she did become a famous author and she did publish her book, which has profoundly influenced millions of people, I hope she knows she did achieve the success she desire, albeit posthumously.  I hope she can smile at that. Knowing Anne, I’m sure she can and does!

9. Guilt, shame and loss: Three of the most intense feelings I del with on a daily—even hourly—basis as I struggle to survive in prison and not allow the dark cloud of despair to overwhelm me.  So I can relate to how Anne feels.  And knowing what I do of her usually bright, upbeat personality, I know we can excuse her the few, limited moments when she allowed herself to get down a bit.  It’s the least we can do to honor her memory and example!

A)    “I’ve always been the clown and mischief maker of the family; I’ve always had to pay double for my sins: once with scolding and then again with my own sense of despair.  I’m no longer satisfied with the meaningless affection or the supposedly serious talks…but it doesn’t work, and the worst part is that father and mother don’t realize their own inadequacies and how much I blame them for letting me down.  Are there any parents who can make their children completely happy?  Sometimes I think God is trying to test me, both now and in the future. I’ll have to become a good person on my own, without anyone to serve as a model or advise me, but it’ll make me stronger in the end…don’t condemn me, but think of me as a person who sometimes reaches the boiling point!” (10/30/43, 141-2)

And who doesn’t sometimes reach the boiling point? Here Anne processes typical feelings and conflicts as she struggles to understand and assert her own identity.

10. Beauty and the Splendor of Nature: Perhaps no theme or topic in Anne’s diaries touched me quite as much as Anne’s passage about the beauty of nature and its role in soothing, healing, and uplifting the spirit and soul.  As someone with a profound love and awareness of nature, who looks to nature as a higher power of sorts, to feed my soul and provide me spiritual sustenance, being so cut off from Nature and sunshine and fresh air and sunsets as I am here in prison (especially with this lock-down over 13 days now!) is particularly devastating.  So I can totally understand how drawn Anne was to the beauty and splendor of nature.  Some particular gems:

A)    “As long as this exists, I thought this sunshine and this cloudless sky, and as long as I can enjoy it, how can I be sad?...The best remedy for those who are frightened, lonely, or unhappy is to go outside, somewhere they can be alone, alone with the sky, nature and God.  For then and only then can you feel that everything is as it should be and that god wants people to be happy amid nature’s beauty and simplicity…As long as this exists, and that should be forever, I know that there will be solace for every sorrow, whatever the circumstances.  I firmly believe that nature can bring comfort to all who suffer.” (2/23/44, 197)

B)    “At such moments I don’t think about all the misery, but the beauty that still remains.  This is where mother and I differ greatly.  Her advice in the face of melancholy is: “Think about all the suffering in the world and be thankful you’re not part of it.”  My advice in the face of melancholy is: Go outside to the country, enjoy the sun and all nature has to offer. Go outside and try to recapture the happiness within yourself; think of all the beauty in yourself and in everything around you and be happy.” (3/7/44, 211)

C)    “We still love life, we haven’t yet forgotten the voice of nature, and we keep hoping, hoping for…everything.” (5/26/44, 308)

D)    “It is because I haven’t been outdoors for so long that I’ve become so smitten with nature?  I remember a time when a magnificent blue sky, chirping birds, a moonlight and budding blossoms wouldn’t have captivated me.” (6/13/44, 318)

May 7, 2009
And now, some closing thoughts:
“Things didn’t turn out the way they were supposed to, but what can you do?  You must take life the way it comes at you and make the best of it.” The life of Pi by Yann Martel

I thought this a very fitting quote to sum up this diary, or section, Muse, as it is profoundly true.  In my case, things had turned out the way I’d planned—great job, security, future, friends, etc.—but through actions of my own “undoing” so to speak, I’ve thrown it all away and brought myself to this dark place. It would be so easy to five in, to blame others, to rail against the injustice of it all.  Except it would all be false.  Pointless. Futile.  Beyond the oft-mentioned reasons of my family to maintain my hopes and positive focus, I owe it to myself to accept full responsibility for my wrongdoings, face these consequences, try to learn and gain all I can from these experiences, and make all the necessary changes to reform my behavior as that I never have to return.

I am a man down.  Down in a hole.  Down in cell 329, for nearly six months now.  But I am not a bad man.  Nor do I have to stay down—wallowing in the luxurious vanity of self-pity, self-absorption, selfishness, addiction, and iniquity.  I am a man down who can pick himself up and claw up out of this hole, step by step, day by day, hour by hour, and minute by precious minute.  I am a man feasting now on the bitterness of life and of this moment, tossed the scraps of sorrow and regret.  But even on such meager scraps I can feed my spirit and will and once again grow strong.  Once again face the world with my head held high.  Once again stand up proudly as a righteous respectable man, someone who my daughter and fiancé can be proud of and respect.  A positive contributor to society.  I am a man down in cell 329…but I won’t be down for very long.